"Sh*t My Dad Says"

My son is off to college in three weeks - - he recently got me the rare book - - laugh until your sides hurt hilarious. The book, Sh*t My Dad Says (2010), by Justin Halpern is one of the funniest books I have ever had the opportunity to read. Halpern tells the story of his relationship with his father, Sam Halpern, over a 30-year period based on a selection of quotes and sayings from his father. Halpern the Elder, who has a background in nuclear medicine, is like a modern day Socrates - - except much blunter and coarser.

Provided below are several examples of the Halpern the Elder view of the world:

On Sportsmanship

"You pitched a great game, you really did. I'm proud of you. Unfortunately, your team is sh*tty . . . No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're sh*tty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry."

On My First School Dance

"Are you wearing perfume? . . . Son, there ain't any cologne in this house, only your mother's perfume. I know that scent, and let me tell you, it's disturbing to smell your wife on your thirteen-year old son."

On Silence

"I just want silence . . . Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

On Asking to Have Candy Passed to Me During Schindler's List

"What do you want - - the candy? They're throwing people in the gas chamber, and you want a Skittles." (Edited version)

On Breaking the Neighbor's Window for the Third Time in a Year

"What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbors fault . . . No not really, it's your fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid." (Edited version)