Digital Maximalists

The philosophy of our connectedness, both corporate and individual, has two fundamental corollaries. The first is that the more you connect, the better off you are. The second is the more you disconnect, the worse off you are. The limitlessness of digital life is thrilling, but it's also unsettling in several important ways. The most troubling issue is the quality of our connections - - the substitution of causal electronic links for deep and meaningful friendships and relationships. If friendships and strong, lasting relationships represent the gardens and flowers of the human experience - - having 5,000 "friends" on Facebook (which I have seen) represents the weeds of a connected life.

Aristotle saw friendship as essential to human flourishing. He saw his BFFs in three distinct flavors - - those based on usefulness (contacts), on pleasure (drinking buddies), and on a shared pursuit of virtue - - the highest form of all. True friends, he contended, are simply drawn to the goodness in one another, goodness that today we might define in terms of common passions and sensibilities. Aristotle's profound seriousness probably won't transfer very well in the Facebook era. But we clearly have migrated to a society where currying contacts and having lots of pals has become our electronic focus at the expense of Aristotle's third category.

Our connected unconnectiveness accelerates electronically in a world where family life is in turmoil. The sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin points out that "No other comparable nation has such a high level of multiple martial and cohabiting unions." The void left by disintegrating household arrangements and social arrangements are difficult to meaningfully fill with bits and bytes.

Connected unconnectiveness is not immune to gender differentiation. Males, in the best of times, have friendship and relationship issues. It's just not our thing - - women are much better at friendship and relationships. Women take a good situation and add Facebook and make relationships and friendships better. We take a bad situation and add Facebook and we end up with gardens full of weeds. Social norms don't exactly help male friendship management - - culture has rapidity sexualized men's friendships. Two middle age men eating dinner together aren't two middle age men eating dinner together - - they are two middle aged gay lovers on a date.

Our connected unconnectiveness has both time and space variables. At some point, we just want what poet Kenneth Koch outlined with the the following words:

You want a social life, with friends.

A passionate love life and as well

To work hard every day. What's true

Is of these three you may have two.